he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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