feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
