life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my poor anus
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
