wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
