I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
