Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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