Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
