My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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