I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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