I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
