Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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