I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
