You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
