I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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