All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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