I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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