"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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