yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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