I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
