Swine flu. Run for my life!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
