I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
