R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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