where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
