You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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