They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
