I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
