Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
