Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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