nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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