Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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