Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize