I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
