I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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