don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
