...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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