watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
