The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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