Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
