Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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