I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
