Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
