I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
