I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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