WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
