sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
