just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
