She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Who died my cat blue again?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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