Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
