I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
