I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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