her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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