Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize