Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
