You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
