I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
