shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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